Friday, March 06, 2015

The choice of words

There’s an episode of Last Tango in Halifax when Caroline is distraught, and in a heartbreaking situation, and Gillian says to her “Are you all right?” and it makes me think that Gillian is even stupider than we all already realised. (Not that we don’t love her.) Of course Caroline is not all right! Gillian can see that Caroline is not all right.Why does she ask her if she is?

I couldn’t decide if this was poor writing on Sally Wainwright’s part, or very good writing, because people do say inane things to distraught people. (I am having to be very guarded here as some of my blog readers live on continents where series 3 of Last Tango has not yet been aired.)

I was chatting about this to Dave and he said that when people say these things they mean well, and the recipient should accept the enquiry in the spirit in which it was given. Surely, though, the upset person should not be the one in the position of having to make allowances for the one expressing concern. The latter should be more thoughtful and choose their words more carefully.

Last week someone commented on my post and said I was a “keeper.” No-one has ever called me ‘a keeper’ before, and I loved being called ‘a keeper.’ I loved that word, that concept. And this reminded me of the love letter that 4 year old Lux wrote to me, ending with the words:

You are my Sue and I love you,

Lux.

That choice of words - “You are my Sue” – were the ones that meant the most.

That’s it, really. I’ve just been thinking a lot about the choice of words, as you do when you’re a writer.

lux

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

But we've all done it, I guess it's a gesture of reaching out verbally, filling that uncomfortable silence when there really is nothing to say. What would be a good alternative?

It's a bit like when the doctor calls your name and as you walk back to the consulting room he asks 'how are you?' to make small talk and you say 'fine, thanks'. Surely not - you're at the doctors ...

Sue Hepworth said...

I'm probably being a hard taskmaster...
Perhaps an alternative would be - "I'm really sorry."
I think this probably all stems from my feelings about the crass things some people say when someone you love has died (which has not happened to me in my latest bereavement.) I just want people to be a but more emotionally intelligent, and thoughtful.
And that includes me.

Anonymous said...

That's a good alternative...

You aren't being a tough taskmaster, Sue, but you raise a good point that people don't think before speaking. Bereavement is a toughie - I suffered a dreadful loss a while ago so you would think I'd know exactly what to say and how to behave. I don't. I still find myself lost for the right thing to say to someone else. 'I'm really sorry' is probably a good verbal hug in a sad situation...

So I'll just say: I am really sorry about your friend...

Sue Hepworth said...

Thank you.x

marmee said...

It is a tough one...we want dialogue ( whether in a novel or screenplay) to be "realistic" BUT you have so short a time in either medium to say or show what you need to, so one has to be careful not to be too real and inane...but on tv gesture and expression can enrich the words.

And amen to the difficulty around a loss....many years ago when my mother in law died, it was sooo painful to me that most people assumed I had suffered no loss. But I had then known her for 25 years and had loved her deeply. And really I have never forgotten how bereft I felt that almost no one sympathised with me! But certainly as anonymous notes re the doctor , we say silly untrue time filling things!

Christine said...

I don't love Gillian! I am too irritated by her.
Having said that, 'Are you alright?' is almost one of those phrases that has been emptied of meaning, like 'How do you do.' It isn't great, but it is better than avoiding the stricken person.

Sue Hepworth said...

Actually, Chrissie, I don't love Gillian either. She's an interesting character, though.

Sue Hepworth said...

Yes, Marmee. Not having someone recognise your loss is really painful.

Anonymous said...

thanks for resisting spoilers for LT in H
on the Gillian issue, my sense is that she is saying what she instinctively feels. Not the best question but a gut one. i struggle with the best way to address really sensitive issues with my dear daughter especially as she approaches long long awaited birth of her first baby. I am very aware that not all i say is perfectly phrased! Or just as she would wish to hear it.
Long life experience doesn't save me

Sue Hepworth said...

I like your explanation of what Gillian says.

I don't expect she thinks about what she says. At least you are doing so, even if you don't always get it right.

I hope the birth goes well, and that the new baby arrives safely. New babies are such a joy.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Sue. Fingers crossed. Other grandchild is nearly eleven, so I've had years to dream and hope for this new little one.

Ash said...

Gillian doesn't think much at all really! If she did she wouldn't get herself into such situations. But then the series wouldn't be so good and we'd have nothing to discuss, would we! It's good writing ...

Sue Hepworth said...

Yes, Gillian drives the plot along wonderfully. And it is brilliant writing.