Light and dark

Last Friday did turn out to be a gift - a walk through beautiful countryside, a leisurely coffee while basking outside a cafe, more walking, then lunch.  Oh, the sunshine!

Have you ever seen a butterfly on wild snowdrops before? This is February!

And here's me in shirtsleeves taking the photo:

Yesterday I worked out what's been bothering me (apart from the ever-present anxiety about Brexit and despair at the intolerant right-wing direction in which the UK is moving.)

I've been clearing out stuff from the attic such as ancient bank statements, accounts from when Dave and I were both self-employed, and lastly, research papers from said self-employment. Here's just one box ready for disposal:

We don't have a shredder and as so much of it is confidential, I've been burning it in Dave's home-resourced incinerator i.e. the recycled drum from an old washing machine:

It made me feel sad: all that hard work going up in smoke. Sorting through old papers always brings on melancholy, but it's not as if either of us misses our work, so what's this sadness about?

It does coincide with the completion of another novel and getting it ready for publication and not knowing if I'll ever write another. ( Some friends reading this will scoff - 'You always say that, Sue!') 

It also coincides with feeling older physically, and this thing I keep mentioning of being 70 this year. I don't know how old you all are but it feels like a big deal to me, and not one I welcome.

And you may think this is irrelevant, but I didn't like the last series (5) of Grace and Frankie. I've loved all the other ones, but this one was full of arguments and angst and conflict, and what's more it showed all four main characters  getting older and frailer, which felt too close to home and not fun to watch. Death doesn't frighten me but old age fills me with dread.

All these feelings have been festering for some time and now I've worked them out and got them out in the open, I feel better. We have another fabulous sunny day today, and my sweet peas are sprouting. Onward and upward.