No Commando

For several weeks now Dave has been moaning about his underpants and how he really, really needs to find some new ones. Long time readers of the blog, and readers of my books Plotting for Grown-ups and Days Are Where We Live know all too well that Dave has a problematic relationship with underpants.

This morning he charged into the room with a new idea that I enjoyed so much I asked him to write about it for the blog.

Here it is:

Inspired by Gap Finders on Radio 4, I have identified a massive gap in the market and am about to make a fortune with my specialised underpant emporia, No Commando, which will be springing up somewhere near you shortly.

No Commando will ensure the nation’s security, and comfort, by providing decent pants for decent people. It will focus on robust materials and elastic that actually has fight in it, unlike most currently available underpants.

Why now ?

Well, it is underpant season here at the Towers, and the hunt, as usual, is fraught with frustration. I am personally affronted by ill-fitting pants which sag and basically do not have the talent or wherewithal to meet even the most basic job description for nether garments. I identify as a male, largely because I date from a time when there was no real alphabetti spaghetti to choose from, and suitable underpants are thin on the ground, and in the air.

What happened to the Paxman pant is anybody’s guess, but they never appeared on the market, and we have to pick our way through the dross that claims to be underwear.

None of this will remain the case when No Commando opens its doors. We intend to be the Dickies of the underpant world. The undergarments we stock will be hardy and pawing the ground with eagerness for the fight. ‘No Commando, no nonsense’ will be our slogan, and there will be full refunds on any pant whose elastic surrenders within five years of purchase.

We will stock pants in a range of workperson-like materials and colours, which will not include the sludge or threatening sky which are currently the boundaries of imagination for pant producers everywhere.

Our pant range will not assume that customers have the shape of whippets during Lent, and will cater for all levels and ages of pant user, from those who prefer the posing pouch (whatever that is) to the older customer who needs the pant that terminates just below the armpit.

I step into the market unwillingly, but with missionary zeal and a gleam in my eye. The market has failed me, palming me off with a bunch of ill-designed, ill-fitting and unimaginative rubbish, pretty much like the government.

It is time.

No Commando is on its way.