Saturday, January 16, 2016

confession


You may as well know it - I've lost my nerve.

It's been a quiet week and I've been thinking a lot about life, death, losing hope about UK politics, the world, the future, how hard aging is, missing Mary, whether it is worth starting another novel, whether anything will ever come of the screenplay. At times I've thought about posting what's in my heart, but then a voice behind my right shoulder has whispered: "For goodness sake, stop talking about yourself on the bloody blog. Readers want something different. It's all very well doing a review of the year and plans for 2016 at New Year, but now it's time to move on. Get a life! They want to hear about what you're actually DOING, not what you're yearning for, and certainly not what you're miserable about."

I'd like some feedback on this, dear readers. All I know is that my elder brother wants me to blog about anything, but thinks I should steer clear of pics of the grandchildren, and my younger sister doesn't want me to blog about making jam, because she says I've done it to death.

I've had an inner ear infection this week. Perhaps that's to blame. I felt better this morning and went out on my bike on the icy Trail. It was good. 




I was cycling through one of the tunnels, and up ahead of me, nearing the other end, were two walkers. All I could see were their silhouettes against the brightness beyond. They were wearing bulky jackets against the cold. One was carrying a hiking stick, and he had something jutting out horizontally from his neck that looked like the end of a scarf. 
Had I had a companion, I could have said to them "Look at that guy! From here he looks just like a Ninja Turtle! Look! There's his neckerchief, and there's his sword!" 

But I was cycling alone, and I became one of those embarrassing older people who make random comments to total strangers - "From behind you look just like a Ninja Turtle!" Fortunately they laughed uproariously.

Really. I worry myself.  

an hour later - I am already wondering whether to delete this post. That's what i mean about losing my nerve.

8 comments:

lyn said...

Before you delete the post, Sue, I'd just like to say that I always enjoy reading your blog. I don't post anything very personal on my blog & I admire you for being brave enough to write about your feelings. I've enjoyed reading about the ups & downs of the screenplay & you know I enjoy your novels (another novel would be very welcome while you're waiting to become a BAFTA-winning screenwriter). I've been moved by your posts about Mary & your Mum & the lovely poetry you post. Even in a more sombre post like today's, you manage to find something to laugh at. Maybe that's the solution - exercise & laughter. I know I always feel better after a walk, even if I have to talk my lazy self into it beforehand. No matter how depressing the world is, we have to try to find the happiness in small things. That's what I try to do when the political & environmental situation just seems to be getting worse. Sorry for such a long reply but I would miss the blog if you stopped writing it. Your opinions & thoughts are appreciated.

Barbara Conn said...

Dear Sue

I would like to echo Lyn's comments. Your blog is always thought provoking and refreshing to read, unlike much of the relentlessly positive stuff people put on Facebook etc. I admire you for revealing your vulnerabilities and always smile at your wry observations of local life and folk!

I too have had a difficult week. A very close friend is dying, I had a big birthday (65) and it rained most of the time! That and the world situation make it a struggle sometimes to carry on. Your blog is one of the glimmers of light in the tunnel. Please don't give up.

Mary Oliver's poetry is also good in times like this. I'm sure you know her.

Wishing you well

Barbara

marmee said...

And of course I would very much miss the blog and you as well...

blogs like so many things are contradictory and mysterious in what they mean in the scheme of things...I would miss it and you might miss writing it but we would all jog on. BUT for me roaming the blogosphere has meant meeting people whose ideas and values chime with mine and I would be more alone in the world if your voice and a few others went silent. I know you choose not to be political on the blog but I must say it has been a relief to find a likeminded thinker.

I have been having a phase where i miss my dear departed best friend so much it makes me cross...just so badly want to pick up the phone and talk to her!

And then re whether to start new novel etc...gosh do! We will all be a year older whether we do the thing or not so may as well do what means something to us or brings joy or sense of accomplishment.

ana said...

Definitely don't delete.

Starting the new novel may be just what you need at this tricky moment. It will be a sign of hope for you and for your readers as we face our own challenging times.

And personally I love the photos all of them, especially those of the grandchildren. Keep posting!!

Anonymous said...

When I really need to go out for a drink with a friend to put the world to rights and have a heart to heart - but can't - I reach for your blog - I agree with everything that has already been said - in fact its not just you but the lovely ladies who are your followers and the insightful comments which make a whole - Thanks - HUG - Jen

Sue Hepworth said...

Thank you, dear friends - Lyn, Barbara, Marmee, Ana and Jen - for your encouragement and understanding, and for your wise advice. Isn't it amazing that I have never met even one of you?
Lyn - you don't need to apologise for a long response - not at all.
I'm so, so sorry, Barbara, that you are losing your friend.
and yes, Mary Oliver is a comfort, I agree.
I'm sorry, Marmee, that you yearn to talk to your friend. What a loss.
My heartfelt sympathy is with both of you.
Thank you Ana and Jen for your support. And yes, Jen, I agree about my readers.
I am honoured to have such warm generous readers who come through when I need them.

I am starting planning the new novel tomorrow - I'm taking your advice. Who knows what will become of it? I'm going to have some.
Love Sue

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blog, the ups and downs, the bright expressions on your grandchildren's faces, the interest of every one of your creative projects, including blackcurrant jam.

You generously share news, photos, feelings, thoughts - and doubts.

Habitual readers like me are hooked on the whole package - don't change!

Glad to hear you're jumping back into a new story - wishing you joy.

And fun.
Xx

Sue Hepworth said...

Thank you, anonymous.
I worked on my new novel today and loved every minute. Tomorrow I shall do more.
Thank you all for encouraging me to get on and do it!